Goods

Dear God…

The pain is sometimes too much to bear. There are times when I want You to make the boxing bell ring. I want her to walk to her corner—tired and beat—and there You will dab mercy on her wounds.

You know she can’t walk or speak well, so why must she now struggle with her thoughts? Why must there be salt on the wound? I speak to her and I wait elongated seconds for her to reply. Mom, I ask when speaking to her on the phone, are you there? Yes, Jaz, I’m here…I just forgot what I was going to say.

Today is Good Friday, so I’m trying to think of every good thing in my life. But most of it pales in comparison to the Roman candle she is. I believe in miracles. Please, God, please heal her completely. I don’t want to celebrate Good Fridays without her. I’m selfish. I want to celebrate Good Mondays, Good Tuesdays, Good Weeks, Good Years.

Next week we’re going to see specialists. Brain surgeons. Neuro-oncologists. ENT specialists. Cancer specialists. We may even fly her to Colorado for homeopathic approach to her illness. God, I’m tired. Tired of her being sick and tired. When will the suffering end?

I know I shouldn’t be asking, ‘why her?’. I should be asking, ‘why not her?’. Help me deal with my pain in a joyful manner. The mask I wear is painted brightly in order to camouflage the anguish in my eyes, but I want You to shine through the agony. Help me not ask for substitution, but, rather, help me as for strength. If my family cannot evade this trial, give us power to survive.

God, thank you for Good Friday. May there be many more Goods in the future.